Be kind to your casino neighbors.

I blame my family. And my ADHD.

I lurve me some casino action! My family has always been one who likes there games. (within limits, of course.) My first introduction into gaming was vicariously through my parents. When I was very young, I would watch my mother pack her most sparkly, glamorous outfits, and her excitement of her impending visit to Vegas was palpable. It seemed like a fairy land. My father was a poker player, so he used his pragmatic nature to help instill in my responsible gambling (As long as I can remember, one of his mantra's was 'Don't bet more than you can afford to lose.')My aunt introduced me to the wonders of bingo when I was 18. While we aren't a clan of degenerate gamblers, clearly we are bad at math.

In 1993, I took my first trip to Vegas. WOW! For my 24 year old self, it was clearly my first pilgrimage to ADHD Mecca. I was entranced. In the mid 90's, riverboat gambling became legal in Missouri, so I didn't have to travel to Vegas to satisfy my gaming indulgences. With no kids, no addiction to higher-end designer outfits, or freeloader boyfriends inept at financial management who need their woman bailing them out, 'boat trips' are my 'extravagant' indulgence.

Now, I give you my casino 'experience' in order to give me some 'street cred' when it comes to what I am going to assert. I've been to casinos all over the place. I know my shit, basically. So, it is with this experience, and my desire to essentially make the world a better place by examining behaviors that should make us all better people to be around. Because, while we are all in this together, we all need to realize we also need to coexist with as little intentional pissing off as possible. Sometimes, we don't even realize the the extent to which we can unintentionally piss people off by just being stupid/inconsiderate/unhygienic. So, for those who want to help spread my message and practice new ways to 'love your fellow man without having to touch or otherwise interact with them,' I offer the following suggestions.

Clearly, I am the milkmaid of human kindness.

I give to you, dear reader, 'THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF BEING A CASINO PATRON.'

10.) Thou Shalt Not sit in front of a slot machine/at a table, if thou are not playing.
- OK, you are out with your Bros/your Hos, and having a ball. Sadly, you lost your bankroll and have to wait for your friends to finish their winning streak. But you are a bump on a log if you aren't playing, and you tend to be killing precious time in front of a machine someone else wants to play. The seats are for paying customers, asshat, and if you aren't playing, you aren't one of them!

9.) Thou Shalt Not ask someone 'How'd you get all those credits/chips/tokens.'
- I won them, dumbass. I used a complex mathematical theorem to decide which card was going to fall combined with an understanding of celestial alignment and a few ritualistic animal sacrifices prior to my coming to the casino to 'beat the house.' No, dumbass...my luck was better than yours, and I didn't split 10's at the blackjack table you idiot! That's all!

8.) Thou Shalt Not paw at a slot machine trying to get a particular symbol to stop where you want it to.
- If your goal is to look like a dog digging for a bone, then I stand corrected. Otherwise, you simply come off as a complete and utter, socially inept moron blithely unaware that other people can see you. While luck is always a factor with casino winning, do you honestly believe the casinos have machines out there that the general public can control some aspect of the outcome of? Do you not believe other people have eyes, and can see you scraping away at the machine and thinking 'I hope they brought their medication with them.' Does the term 'Random Number Generator' mean ANYTHING to you? Here's a note to those who practice this method of 'beating the system': You look stupid, you are annoying the living shit out of those who sit around you, and if you CAN control the outcome of random events, please put your talents to far better use.

7.) Thou Shalt Not bitch at smokers.
- As both a smoker, and a former non-smoker, I can understand that cigarette smoke can be irritating. But Casinos are quickly becoming the last bastion of smokers to indulge their addiction legally and in public. Casinos also know that, as addicts, we are their target audience. We have to stand out in sub zero weather at work for our 'breaks.' We have to get dirty looks at the convenience store when getting a pack...it's hard out there for a pimp, I tell ya. So, when we go to a casino, you are on OUR territory, bitch! If you don't like cigarette smoke, either go to a non-smoking section, or if they don't have one, DON'T FREAKING GO! I don't attend live football games for the simple fact being around drunk, shirtless, body-painted screaming men is something I despise. If you don't like smoking and you want to to go to a casino, suck it up, because we are lighting up, baby! If you wave your hand to subtly imply we are annoying you, too FREAKIN bad, and we are well within our rights to no only puff away harder on the one that's bugging you, we can light up a second one just to up the level of sweet, sweet nicotine annoyance!

6.) Thou Shalt Not over apply perfume/cologne/patchouli
- This is absolutely one of the most inexplicable phenomenon I have never quite figured out. You are sitting at a table/machine, and some presumably nice person comes and sits next to you, and immediately following them is the overwhelming stench of whatever perfume they love and subsequently feel everyone must enjoy it. The problem is, said scented one has clearly become desensitized as the body compensates to save the few remaining working sensors in their nose and has shut it off. So, while you can't see the cloud of Shalamar that follows you, trust your neighbors, it's there. Scent application should be approached much like gambling: Moderation. Here's a suggestion: If your animals have dropped dead 10 minutes after you've capped the bottle, you probably should rethink your public scent persona.

Now, I don't want to overwhelm you, and since I think it takes time to mentally digest and figure out how to apply them to your own casino patronage. Plus, my dog needs to go out.


Kiss Kiss!